Utilizing Gendered Terms When Existing Outside the Binary by Sacha Matthew Trinidad

Despite advancements in society towards the understanding of queer identities, there are still a lot of misconceptions regarding the relationship between the concepts of “sexuality” and “gender” because of the way both have been interpreted in white western society for so long. One of the questions I often get about how these concepts relate is: how someone can label themself as nonbinary and gay/lesbian while using “opposing” binary pronouns? For example, a nonbinary he/him lesbian is a nonbinary person who uses he/him pronouns but is attracted to women and not men. I want to discuss why this identity and others like it are valid.

Currently, there are a handful of labels and identities for members of the queer community that are widely accepted, and then numerous labels that have been cultivated to better represent identity but are not included in the LGBTQIA+ acronym. All of these more commonly accepted identities are words people created, and new labels are created to validate the expanse of genders and sexualities. Many people see this as “hyper labilization”, where we seek out specific definitions to match our personal experience using “neo pronouns” (xe/xer/xerself, it/its/itself, etc.) and “neo labels” (unofficial term to describe labels that are not in the common vernacular, such as demiromantic bisexual femme nonbinary, faesari, genderfauna, etc.). The problem is that sex and gender are not one-size-fits-all; it is a truly personal experience and no one is going to feel exactly the same as anyone else. Straight people don’t one hundred percent connect to the experiences of other straight people, though there is less discussion on that topic. Because queer people aren’t widely accepted and understood, we seek out the validation of a label. But the English language--in this case--doesn’t always hold the label we are looking for and society, in general, hasn’t reached the level of self-reflection that queer people are forced to when considering our identities.

Someone defining themself as a “nonbinary lesbian” may not make sense to others when using the general definition of both words. Nonbinary is an identity that is neither man nor woman and is also not a third gender, it exists outside of the binary, and lesbian is a sexuality that encompasses women who love women, but the term came into popularity during a time where language around nonbinary identities was not as widely used. Just like jumbo shrimp, though, nonbinary lesbian needs to be put into perspective. Sexuality and gender are whatever you want them to be. When the term lesbian was popularized, it was used for women who loved women exclusively, in a period where not nearly as many people identified as nonbinary despite the existence of identities within the community used to describe various gendered experiences (butch, femme, etc.). How can a nonbinary person use “lesbian” to label themself when they are not a woman? Furthermore, does that mean they aren’t attracted to other nonbinary people? Is that transphobic? These questions often sprout more and more questions, spiraling into one main one: what defines sexuality and gender? The answer is, again, anything! There isn’t an answer for that, so people who identify as nonbinary lesbians (like myself) are using pre-popularized terms to define themselves in a world that doesn’t have the proper words. The common perception of the word lesbian is gendered in a binary society, and so when you exist outside of that binary, you are creating your own space. 

Personally, I don’t use a “neo label” because I want to 1. exist in a community with a larger foundation, 2. not hyper label myself for my romantic and sexual attraction, for my attraction that may differ from “sex” to “gender”, or for gender in general (because, honestly, that is my business and I decide how to share it), and 3. live conveniently. Will I have to explain why nonbinary lesbian is a valid identity? Yes! But as long as I, a nonbinary person who is attracted to women and nonbinary people, exist, I will have to explain something because we, as a society, are very repressed regarding gender and sexuality. It hasn’t been a topic up for public discussion until this past decade, so, understandably, we don’t have a solid answer.

Anyone not living within the binary still resides in a society that very much does, and so we have to figure out how to deal with that. When I say I am a nonbinary lesbian, what I am trying to communicate is that I don’t have a gender and that my attraction is available to, basically, anyone who isn’t a man. Lesbian in this case includes those living outside the binary because we exist in a liminal space. I feel that using the pre-popularized terms allows me to be included in spaces that I should have access to but might not if I understood myself in the same way but used different labels. In the end, I personally don’t care enough to justify myself to others, and I have found that using “neo labels” and “neo pronouns” often inspires more questions than I want to deal with. I can say “nonbinary lesbian” and give the gist of “queer, devoid of gender, girls” whereas other terms may be completely unknown to most people. It is purely a preference and how I choose to communicate my identity to others--as are neo pronouns and labels!

Gay nonbinary people may only be attracted to men or attracted to men and others who exist outside the binary and he/him lesbians may still identify as women who are attracted to women because “sexuality” and “gender” are things that humans created. If you choose to label yourself like this, that’s valid! If you choose to use a neo label to identify yourself because you find any of the “traditional” terms to be too alienating, that’s valid too! Words mean what we want them to in the same way that slang gets added to the dictionary and old words gain new definitions. This is our world, we get to choose how we live it.